On Crying

With debilitating pain comes tears.

But I always want to hide mine. I hate crying in front of people. All it ends up doing is making them feel bad for me and feeling helpless since they cannot do anything to make it better. The people that I love the most are the ones that I don't want to see me cry more than anyone else. Those people try to hold me up, keep my head above water, and they don't deserve to feel bad. When someone helps me so much it is hard to let myself tell them about how badly I feel.

Since I want to hide my tears as often as possible, I have to find ways to let myself sob that hide what I'm really crying about. For instance, every week I watch Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. And I bawl my eyes out. I read a book called The Book Thief. I knew that it was going to end tragically. That is revealed on the first page. I still let myself cry over the characters. Letting go in happiness or tragedy with fictional characters is my release.

Of course, there are times when I'm home alone and I'm in tears on the couch. Not able to do anything between the pain and the choking sobs. I had to write a letter to my insurance company about my quality of life and why they should cover my surgery to get an electronic stimulator. The entire time that I wrote it I had tears streaming down my cheeks.

All of the people in my life tell me that they can't believe how strong I am and wonder how I can handle all of the stuff that I'm going through. To tell the truth, I can't deal with it. I break down and I am not as strong as I seem to be. I just want to let go and have someone else carry me through all of this. Luckily, I have enough faith that I do believe I have someone carrying me. Or at least someone who will let me lean on Him.

To everyone who has ever squeezed my knee, patted me on the shoulder, given me a hug or a high five or a fist bump, you are my strength. Without you I would not be able to deal with any of this.

Thank you.