Anyone who lives with pain for any extended period of time knows that a relationship with pain is entirely possible. Pain is it's own entity. That's the only way that I can live with it. Yes, I know that the pain is mine and it's a part of my life for now and all that other coping stuff that they teach you at the Mayo Clinic's Chronic Pain Rehabilitation Program. My pain has become bad enough that it's grown into something I almost can't deal with anymore.
I used to have a begrudging relationship of co-existence with my pain. This time around, I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship.
Every time that I talk to someone about my pain, I down-play how much pain I am in and what affect it is having on my life. In reality the pain that I'm in is torturous and controlling. Even knowing how bad it is, I often find myself somehow defending my pain and coming up with explanations and excuses for it. When I experience a flare in pain, I find a way to blame myself. I exerted myself to much. I didn't get enough sleep. I didn't drink enough water. It's a part of PMS. Even though we have tracked these things and know that there is no correlation, I try to find some sort of explanation.
Whenever I have experienced some sort of relief and am trying to get my normal life back, the pain almost seeks me out. It finds me and comes back with a vengeance to, once again, grab complete control of me. I practically have to ask permission to do things. I have to get up the courage to leave the house and possibly face a "beating" when I get home. It actually happens very often. I go out and have fun and use all of my energy to look like a real person. When I get home, I change into my pj's and and curl up on the couch to deal with my consequences.
Yes. I am in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, no matter how strong I am, it is impossible for me to walk away from this one. I am now going to go spend some time praying that the insurance company will take pity on a poor girl in pain and appeal their decision to not cover my stimulator.
I used to have a begrudging relationship of co-existence with my pain. This time around, I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship.
Every time that I talk to someone about my pain, I down-play how much pain I am in and what affect it is having on my life. In reality the pain that I'm in is torturous and controlling. Even knowing how bad it is, I often find myself somehow defending my pain and coming up with explanations and excuses for it. When I experience a flare in pain, I find a way to blame myself. I exerted myself to much. I didn't get enough sleep. I didn't drink enough water. It's a part of PMS. Even though we have tracked these things and know that there is no correlation, I try to find some sort of explanation.
Whenever I have experienced some sort of relief and am trying to get my normal life back, the pain almost seeks me out. It finds me and comes back with a vengeance to, once again, grab complete control of me. I practically have to ask permission to do things. I have to get up the courage to leave the house and possibly face a "beating" when I get home. It actually happens very often. I go out and have fun and use all of my energy to look like a real person. When I get home, I change into my pj's and and curl up on the couch to deal with my consequences.
Yes. I am in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, no matter how strong I am, it is impossible for me to walk away from this one. I am now going to go spend some time praying that the insurance company will take pity on a poor girl in pain and appeal their decision to not cover my stimulator.
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